Awareness of Life

I just finished watching a movie that was too close to home for me. I feel I have to let this out and make it noticed maybe someone out there is feeling how I have felt in the past and maybe this can help. There are times when we fall into a dark phase in our lives… I experienced a period of my life where I truly had everything that was important everything that mattered. I did not appreciate anything..all I knew is I wanted to die. I did not want to face the facts of the life cycle with loved ones. I just felt like a weak person who just wanted to give up on life. I used to take pain killers or sleeping aids just to get sleepy and spend most of my time sleeping. Anyone who looked at me and the life I had would not understand why. Now that I look back I wonder why as well. Borderline Personality Disorder, this is what I came to find out I had while I was pregnant. This clarified so much for me as to why I felt how I felt why I did what I did..

    The pill popping is a very shameful thing I have to say. Only two people in my life have seen and experienced what I have done. I would take pills anytime something stressful occurred or I had a problem or something did not go away. The events went from being very stressful events to something as simple as I got another assignment to do or the food I bought did not meet my expectations. There are factors to everything and I tried to figure out what could have triggered this type of behavior.

    There are so many side effects and long term damages of taking too many pills, I have been lucky to not have caused any damage to my body. Some of the effects are ulcers and constipation are some. The worst is death… yet this is what many pill poppers attempt to achieve by doing this. Sometimes I guess like in my case the thought of death was always there, if I take so many what would happen? Am I going to die if I mix this one with that one? If the consequence is death it was not a bad outcome in my mind… I would no longer have to face any minor hardship that comes with life. I started with 3 to 4 motrins or Tylenols but I usually opted for ibuprofen.. Gradually the quantity increased and the intervals increased as well. I honestly do not even want to mention how many I had taken on a daily basis because it's shameful and wrong. I then began to feel it was not enough and started looking towards prescribed medications and combining medications. I would say this must have been the stupidest and most dangerous behavior. There came a time when I remember all I would think about was when my next moment to take more pills was.

    This dangerous behavior went on for a long time. After a while I came to realize if I continue this I was going to end up dying. The thought of it did not bother me it was actually comforting. I pray God forgives me for wasting my life and my health the way I did. I then became pregnant and knew this behavior had to cease immediately for my baby's health. I have to say stopping as abruptly as I had to, it was so difficult but I did it. I did have moments where I felt pregnancy was too much for me and I did not want to care about anything anymore but I restrained from doing anything. Once my daughter was born I still did not feel that urge to continue to live and I hated it so much because I now had a reason to live. I loved my daughter more than anything in the world but I don't think I was aware of life itself. My destructive behavior continued after a few months of having my daughter. I did nothing like I was doing before but I would take prescribed medication anytime something painful occurred or I had something stressful happen basically anything that did not go my way or make me happy. This was definitely something I knew I could not continue because I was now a mom and had to take care of my daughter and be a positive role model.

    Veronika Decides to Die… a movie I just saw that I think just brings out the awareness of life and helps one appreciate every ticking minute. I cried watching this movie mainly because it made me realize how much time I wasted. How much I could have done in the meantime and how many experiences I passed up because I was too focused on making sure I continue to sleep. I hope that anyone out there who may feel even just a little down on life reads this and even watches the movie… it gives such a new refreshing appreciation of life.. This behavior gradually worsens quickly. My pregnancy stopped me from getting too far or hurting myself more, I was lucky my beautiful daughter saved me. But this does not go away and no you cannot usually stop anytime. It takes a lot of discipline and definitely some professional therapy.Like I said when I was pregnant I saw a therapist for 3 months and he diagnosed me with BPD. This may have factored into my behavior. I am very thankful for my life and I want to make the best of it each day for my daughter. This is probably the darkest most shameful secret I have. Yet I am putting it out there for anyone else who goes through the same to know you aren't alone and life is a miracle cherish every minute that passes.